Back to Him
by lilylovestoerag
Summary: When James is away on an Order mission, Lily uses a Time-Turner to see him at Hogwarts before they were dating.
1. Chapter 1

September 1979

He'd been gone for a fortnight (an Order task), and she was feeling incredibly lonesome. Missing James, missing the warmth on his side of the bed, Lily was done with keeping busy. All she wanted was to have him _home_. They'd be holed up in a flat in London for a year, working for Dumbledore. While Lily had grown up in the sooty air of Cokeworth, she could never quite get used to the noise and smell of cities. London never rested, and the early autumn rain smelled of rubbish and sea water.

She longed for Hogwarts and the clean Highland air.

Lily pulled out an album of photographs, a mixture of still and moving faces. Since coming to London, her and James' collections had amalgamated into one messy book. She had used magic to keep hers in place, but James' loose photos fell from between the pages when it opened. She picked up several photos from the floor, looking at each one. Sirius and Peter waving. Fifth-year Remus in a friendly headlock. Lily kissing the cheek of her now-absent husband. She found a blank page and grabbed her wand, permanently sticking the prints to the stiff paper. Her gaze lingered on the photo of James, his hazel eyes creased from smiling, and her heart sank into her stomach.

Lily worked through the album, attempting to give it some order. A stack of moving seventh-year photos caught her attention, and she sat against the wall, studying the memories one by one. Dates had been written on the back of some, though Lily already remembered when they'd been taken. Except one.

_17 September 1977, half eight, Gryffindor Tower (six long turns).  
____The floorboard beside the big window at #11._  


His handwriting.

She and James, at a party, apparently, but definitely the wrong date. She'd not gone to any parties until October, having spent the first month of school collapsing under the weight of Heads' obligations. She would have been in the library that night, revising, or working, or asleep on a book. Her pose with James looked too comfortable, too in love to be them in September. Did she even _have_ that dress until moving to London?

Gripping the photo, Lily walked to her closet and fingered through hangers until finding it. A loose knee-length black dress, cinched at the waist, with uneven sleeves above the elbows and a pattern of tiny white stars. She'd bought it several months ago from a market shop in Camden. The first time she'd worn it in front of James, she'd bewitched some of the stars to twinkle. Yet, somehow, she'd had it at a party _two years ago_ at Hogwarts. Was she going mad?

_The floorboard beside the big window at #11_? Their flat number. She kneeled beside the window. The best view from their first floor flat overlooked a quiet road in Fulham. The grey sky was turning blue as nighttime approached, and a lone pedestrian (a mother with a pram) hurried down the pavement. Lily used her fingertips to pick at the edge of the floorboard, attempting to budge it open.

A large edge popped from the rest of the golden-coloured boards. She pried it open and looked inside the small dank space, expecting to find nothing.

"_Lumos_," she said, pointing her wand at the dark hole.

To Lily's surprise, a square palm-sized box sat in the hole. She reached in and extracted it, wiping off dust from the red material. It opened with an achey crack, and within a soft white cloth was the shimmer of a gold chain. She dropped the necklace into her hand, confused and in awe that what she held was a Time-Turner.

How long had James had this? The Time-Turner was small, with delicate moveable rings and an hour-glass at its centre. It was almost impossible that James could have one at all. Last month, the Order received word that the Ministry was destroying them, afraid of what the Death Eaters could do with the ability to change time. Somehow James had stolen one, and above all, he'd hid it from her.

She grabbed a different photograph, from Christmas '77. Lily compared the grinning girl in the winter hat to herself in the mysterious photo. It was then, clutching the Time-Turner, that Lily realised that _she_, the 19-year-old in flat 11, had gone back to seventh year.

Lily's head was spinning with questions. Did she go back tonight, and had James known all this time? The back of the photograph read as instructions now. He'd given her a date and a time. Six long turns... _of the bloody Time-Turner_. How long ago had he written that for her to find?

She washed up in the shower and slipped on the dress, studying the photo. Lily found it strange that she was both two years and mere minutes away from seeing James. She reminded herself that they were not together then (not even close), but that they were new friends. Head Boy and Head Girl. She removed her wedding rings and set them on a table. As she looped the chain of the Time-Turner around her neck, Lily reminded herself of the rules.

Don't let Past Lily see her. Don't act too familiar with Past James. Leave before five hours.

As she wound the hour-glass, she held in her mind the date and location of where she was going (like apparating, she thought, but completely mental). Lily gave one final twist and breathed in, watching the flat become blurry and dark. She kept her eyes open, curious to what was happening around her. After ten seconds, she felt still again, and her vision was clear. A robust naked woman eyed her suspiciously.

"Password, dear?"


	2. Chapter 2

17 September 1977  
Gryffindor Tower  
8:30 p.m.

"Do you know the password or not?" demanded the portrait.

"I, erm... forgot it?" said Lily, smiling awkwardly.

_Fuck_.

"No password, no entry!" said the Fat Lady, seeming more offended than the situation called for.

Lily stomped her foot in anger, feeling like a child. She went through a list of passwords she remembered from seventh year. There was _Miss Marple_ in December (Lily's love of Muggle books intensified around the holidays), but she couldn't for the life of her remember any others. James had chosen in the first month. She racked her brain for cheeky puns and Quidditch players, failing to remember what he might have picked.

"_Cauldron Cake_," said an amused voice behind her. Leave it to a teenage boy to choose a password that's food.

Lily froze in place at the familiar voice. It wasn't James, it was Sirius. She turned and threw her arms around the confused, long-haired boy. Sirius patted her on the back awkwardly, and pushed her away gently with his hands on her shoulders.

"Been into the Firewhiskey already, Evans?" he asked, not flirting, but looking genuinely worried for her mental health.

She had made her first mistake, responding with the emotion of her 19-year-old self. Lily and James hadn't seen the other Marauders in months. Sirius, Remus, and Peter had each been given task upon task, rarely returning to London. Her only communication had been through owl post, and she'd really missed the laughter of having them around.

"Sorry, I thought you were someone else," said Lily, embarrassed.

"How did the _Head Girl_ forget the password halfway through the month?" said Sirius.

"Fine, I've had some Firewhiskey," she sighed. She didn't feel prepared to answer more questions. "Shall we?"

Lily looked straight ahead and stepped into the portrait hole, feeling Sirius' skeptical stare behind her. The echo of her footsteps and the warm cinnamon smell of the common room overwhelmed her with nostalgia. Upper-years from three houses stood in conversation in every corner of the room, sipping Butterbeers and mysterious dark liquors. She received her first nod of recognition from Marlene McKinnon, who grinned brightly at Lily from a red velvet chair beside the fireplace. Lily felt as though her heart was bursting. She hadn't known how much she needed to be back at Hogwarts, to feel even a sliver of comfort from the dark days of the present. A flush of happiness coloured her cheeks for the first time in months.

Then she saw James. Still the same tall, handsome boy she had married a year ago, but with someone else on his arm. A sixth-year girl with long hair dark stood at his side, laughing. Lily recognised her as Amanda Leer, a Chaser on the Ravenclaw house team. Lily's hands tightened into fists. She reminded herself that Past Lily was drooling into a Charms textbook, uninterested in the party... or James. Undeterred by her own rules, Lily walked up and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hi," she said, her heart racing from seeing him. She wanted to push him against the wall and snog him, but her better judgment stopped her. Was she still calling him Potter in September?

"Hi, Lily," he said, looking her up and down, as if he knew that something was off.

"Why do you look so surprised?" she asked.

"I didn't think you'd be around tonight," he said. "The last time we talked, you'd yelled for me to leave because you were studying in your, uh... bunker."

The night was coming back to her. She had made a fort out of books and empty crisp packets at a library table. Lily mentally groaned at the state of her appearance that day, hair tied up and eyes red with sleep deprivation. He must have thought she'd been mad.

"Well, I'm here," she smiled stiffly. This was not the reunion she had in mind.

The sixth-year Ravenclaw spoke up to introduce herself.

"I'm Amanda," she said, extending a hand to Lily. "Your frock is lovely."

"Thank you," said Lily. She was trying very hard not to narrow her eyes. "Excuse me, I need a drink."

Lily turned from them and walked across the room. She shouldn't have come back, she didn't want 17-year-old Potter, she wanted her _husband_. Every minute she spent in the past, she had no idea what was happening in the present. What if someone from the Order was in danger? What if James, her James, came home to find her missing? Lily poured herself two fingers of Firewhiskey and waded through the full common room. She could only think of one place to go, somewhere she was sure she'd be alone.

She exited the portrait, mindful of the password. Lily gulped half her drink in one sour-faced sip, and walked quickly towards the Heads' lounge. 17-year-old James wouldn't come to find her, as she was sure he was enjoying his night with Amanda. Lily stood in front of the entrance, snapping her fingers repeatedly and impatiently, the password on the tip of her tongue.

"Come on, you know who I am!" she yelled at the door.

"_Lime... Fizzy_!" she shouted, pleased with herself and a little bit drunk.

Lily entered the room and slumped onto the sofa, still holding the rest of her drink. She wished she had a mirror to see how pathetic she looked.

"You're never doing this again," she said out loud.

Lily missed James intensely. She wanted to hold him and breathe in his scent, to have anything of him that she could latch onto for the moment. Seeing James, younger James, had made her terribly sad. She wanted to go to the library to flick Past Lily in the forehead for taking so long to discover her feelings. It'd been twenty minutes of using the Time-Turner, and she felt ready to wind it and leave. She put her drink on the table in front of the sofa and lied down.

"Hey," a voice said from the doorway.

Lily sat up and stared, on the verge of tears. She needed to see James so much in that moment that she'd have taken any version.

"You're missing the party," said Lily, hunched over the table, reaching for her drink.

"You seemed upset," said James. He walked over to the sofa and sat on the other side.

"I'm fine. A little drunk, though," she said, in a cheery tone.

James smiled at the floor and set his own drink on the table.

"Can I tell you something?" she said.

Lily no longer cared about the rules. Nerves danced in her stomach as she reached into the front of her dress and pulled up the chain to reveal the Time-Turner.


	3. Chapter 3

James' expression contorted into confusion.

"Why do you have that?" he demanded, moving closer to her. He looked angrier than she'd ever seen him.

"It's yours," she said. Tears were welling in her eyes.

"What are you talking about?" said James.

"You took it from somewhere, I don't know. The Ministry, maybe. You told me where to find it," she said, shaken. Lily knew she wasn't making sense.

"Your hair is longer than it was this morning," said James. She saw that he was gripping his wand.

"I just wanted to see you," she said, tears falling now.

James outstretched his arm and pointed his wand at her.

"Where did you come from?" he asked, his eyes begging her not to make him use it.

"Two years from now," she said, stabling her voice.

Lily inched closer to James.

"Can you put down the wand, please?" she asked.

James held steady for a moment, then sighed and lowered it. He reached for his drink on the table, taking a generous sip.

"Where are you in two years? And where am I?" he asked.

"In our flat in London," said Lily softly.

James' face changed again, this time to surprise. Lily reached a hand over to set on one of his.

"We have a flat?" he said, not seeming to believe her.

"We're together," said Lily.

James stared at her intensely. His gaze shifted down to their hands clasped together.

"Where's the Lily I know," he said, "the one who threw a crisp packet at me today?"

"In the library, I think. I didn't want to risk her seeing me by going to check," said Lily.

James grabbed his wand and pointed the end of it at her chest.

"What did you give me on the first day of school?" he said, the trust gone from his voice.

Lily thought back to their first day as Head Girl and Head Boy.

"A coin to keep in your pocket. It burnt hot when I needed to meet you for Heads' duties," she said. "It also comes in handy for other things, later on."

James lowered his wand with a flustered sound.

"So you're really you?" he asked.

"Not the girl you know, though. You're not my James, either," said Lily.

"Why do you miss him so much?" said James.

"He's working on something for Dumbledore. He, you, have been gone for a while," she said, moving her hand through James' hair.

James stared at her like an imposter.

"She likes you, you know. I don't think _she_ knows it yet, but don't give up hope on her," said Lily.

"Then she becomes you?" said James.

Lily saw a flicker of her husband, the 19-year-old in the present, the James she was in love with. She touched her hand to James' cheek and kissed him full-on. To her surprise, he gripped the small of her back and pulled her in. She roped her legs around his lap, snogging him with everything she couldn't express. How much she had pretended not to notice him that September, how happy she'd been when they'd finally kissed. And then she pulled her lips away from his.

"This is the first time you snog me!" said Lily, her mouth open.

"But not the first time I snog you..." said James, with the same realisation.

All these years he had known. She had given James, 17-year-old James, knowledge of what was to come. She had kissed him, and the Lily he loved had no idea. She had altered her own life, and was only finding out about it now.

"I'm a time travelling slag!" she said, her face in horror.

James burst out laughing, and she buried her face in his shoulder. He took her face in his hands and smiled at her lovingly.

"How did you know to come here tonight?" he said.

Lily thought back to the photograph.

"We need to go back to the party," she sighed, looking down on him.

She and James rose from the sofa. As they got to the door, James leaned down and kissed her softly. Lily tugged on his shirt, pulling him closer. After a while, he lifted his face from hers.

"I can't wait to know you," said James, holding her waist. "He's really lucky."

"Tell your future self to get on bloody home, will you?" said Lily.

"It's going to be difficult going back to being the boy you throw food at," smiled James.

"You started sitting closer to me at our Heads' meetings around now. You didn't seem as nervous," said Lily.

Lily went on her tip-toes to kiss him, and they stayed there for a moment. James opened the door, ready to go back to the common room.

"Try not to act too friendly, okay? We're not dating yet," she said, as they walked into the corridor.

"No promises," laughed James.


	4. Chapter 4

September 1979  
London

Lily stood in the middle of flat #11, the Time-Turner still clutched in her hand. She breathed in deeply, and noted the same dark grey of the sky as when she had left several hours ago. London had not moved in the time she'd been away, but a new fluorescent light shone out of the doorway from the kitchen. A 19-year-old boy with short, messy hair walked out with a glass of ice water, as surprised to see Lily as she was to see him.

She ran towards James and threw her arms around his shoulders, embracing him in a tight squeeze.

"Merlin, I've waited so long to tell you," he said.

* * *

September 1977  
Hogwarts

Lily felt her way against the walls up the stairs to the Astronomy Tower, its narrow and winding passage completely dark. James fumbled along behind her, reaching out for her hips every so often. As it was technically bed hours, students weren't allowed to be wandering the castle, and James had suggested keeping wand light to a minimum.

"Convenient excuse," said Lily, as James wrapped his arms around her from behind for guidance. She placed her hands over his.

The stairway to the Astronomy Tower was cold, as in place of windows were several small circular openings in the stone turret. They'd come here after the party in the common room, and although Lily had been afraid to be alone with him (he was, after all, not really hers), she wasn't ready to go back to her empty flat. They reached the top of the stairs and saw the large moonlit opening of the tower. They were entirely alone, and when neither of them spoke, the only sound was of the autumn wind chilling the room.

James had given her a black wool cardigan to wear, and Lily had had to roll the sleeves, which extended past her fingertips. They stood side by side several steps from the railing near the opening, looking out at the stars and planets dotting the nighttime sky. Lily remembered how much she loved it up there. She was lost in thought when she felt James' fingers reach over and tickle her palm.

"I thought we agreed not to kiss anymore?" she said, looking at him.

"If you think this is snogging, I may have shocking news for you," he said, teasing her. He laced his fingers with hers.

"It's not fair to her to do this. It feels like I'm cheating on myself, however weird that sounds," said Lily.

They had started referring to Lily's past and James' future selves as _her_ and _him_. James had asked as many questions as Lily had allowed him, but she was careful to reveal anything too detailed about their futures.

"After tonight, you're gone. I go back to being nothing to her for months," he said.

"You weren't nothing to me," she said.

James took Lily's arms and pulled her into a hug.

"Can I still do this?" he asked, a smile in his voice.

She breathed him in, and was instantly reminded of Heads' meetings and Hogsmeade dates in seventh year, when one of them would pull the other behind a shop corner to quickly kiss.

"James, I have to go," said Lily.

He released his arms from around her, looked at Lily, and solemnly nodded.

"How long do I have until she's you?" said James.

Lily stayed silent for a moment, wondering whether to leave things to fate but afraid James would try too soon.

"Kiss her on Bonfire Night," said Lily.

James tucked a strand of red hair behind her ear, and stepped back. His face was hardened and sad.

"I want _you_," he said.

Lily reached for his face and brought it to her height. She gave James one last soft kiss, and took the Time-Turner out of her dress.

"Patience," said Lily.

She wound the tiny gold knob six turns in the opposite direction of her first use. Lily watched James become greyscale, and then a fuzzy silhouette that was fading before her eyes. When she felt still again, she was standing in the living room of flat 11, crying.

* * *

September 1979  
London

James held Lily's face, and the difference of his 19-year-old appearance shocked her. He was less boyish, and his expressions less playful. Her husband wore the face of a wizard in the middle of war.

"I made you write on the photograph," she said, repeating what James already knew.

"I'd almost given up on you in seventh year. I thought you'd never want me back, and then _you_ came, and it was like looking at everything with new eyes," he said. "Part of me thought I'd imagined it all until I realised you'd taken my jumper."

Lily pushed back the sleeves.

"Oh, shite, I forgot you'd let me wear it," she said.

James kissed her full-on. This was the man she loved, the version of him who had grown alongside her for two years and knew her better than anyone else. She put the Time-Turner back in its box and slid on her wedding rings, unafraid, momentarily, of what was to come for them.

"Lily," said James, "that wasn't the last time you went back."


End file.
